There were many men who would not drink coffee, yet after a few years of marriage, they became regular coffee consumers. Likewise, there were many women who had never drank a sip of tea, yet after a few years of marriage, they became regular tea drinkers.
There are many other examples that illustrate the manner in which one spouse’s ways, tendencies and habits rub off onto the other. It can be as simple as taste in food, or a little more involved such as developing punctuality and fastidiousness. Nevertheless, the point is evident – spouses have a profound effect on one another, to the point of even altering their habits and ways.
This is exactly why it is so important to ensure that one marries the correct spouse. Often, a person is aware of a major Deeni weakness in their potential spouse (e.g. lack of commitment to salaah). However, they feel that it will not affect them, or they will be able to influence their spouse and change them for the better. Though this is certainly a possibility, we must acknowledge that there is a definite possibility that they will imbibe some bad habits and evil ways from their spouse. Hence, without ever regarding oneself as superior or better, nevertheless prudence demands that one refrain from taking such a chance – especially since one’s greatest asset (Deen) is at risk.
It is for this reason that when the pious of the past got their children married, they NEVER compromised on the aspect of Deen, even though the proposal may have been extremely attractive and enticing in other respects.
On one occasion, Yazeed proposed for the daughter of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), the renowned Sahaabi of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam). Despite the proposal coming from the palace of the ruler, Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) turned it down. Thereafter, one of the attendants of Yazeed proposed for the daughter of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu), and his proposal was accepted!
This created quite a sensation in society, as the news spread that Yazeed’s proposal had been rejected, but the proposal of one of the uninfluential Muslims had been accepted. Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) then explained and said, “I gave careful thought to (the future of my daughter) Dardaa. What do you think the condition of Dardaa will become when she has servants at her beck and call and she looks around in the palaces where her eyes will be dazzled (by the wealth and riches)? What will become of her Deen on that day?” (Hilyatul Awliyaa vol. 1, pg. 286)
The primary concern of Sayyiduna Abud Dardaa (radhiyallahu ‘anhu) was for the Deen of his daughter. Hence, even though her material and financial situation would have been extraordinary and she would have been in the lap of comfort and luxury, and marrying the ruler is normally regarded as a privilege and an honour, he rejected the proposal, as he felt that her Deen would be adversely affected.
A similar incident has been narrated regarding Sa‘eed bin Musayyab (rahimahullah). He was among the leading Taabi‘een and was the son-in-law of none other than Sayyiduna Abu Hurairah (radhiyallahu ‘anhu). The ruler, ‘Abdul Malik bin Marwaan, sent a proposal for his son, Waleed, to marry the daughter of Sa‘eed bin Musayyab (rahimahullah). However, Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) declined the proposal. Since ‘Abdul Malik was determined, he tried numerous approaches to persuade Sa‘eed (rahimahullah), but his efforts were to no avail. He even went to the extent of lashing him a hundred times on a cold day, pouring water over him and dressing him in a cloak of wool, but Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) did not relent. Finally, he married his daughter to one of his students who was poor but pious (for more on the unique incident of her marriage, click here). (Siyaru Aa’laamin Nubalaa vol. 4, pg. 233)
When a father loves his daughter, he will want the very best for her. Likewise, he will be prepared to undergo any difficulty to save her from harm. Hence, Sa‘eed (rahimahullah) even bore a hundred lashes to save his daughter from the Deeni harm that she would have suffered, had she married Waleed.
The crux of the matter is that the piety of the spouse is of utmost importance, and deficiency in Deen should not be overlooked and casually brushed aside.